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The first time I heard that sales pitch it was for chinchillas, not kids. Back in the 1960s, the yelling TV guy convinced millions they could become fur barons by raising these tiny creatures.
I never met an actual chinchilla millionaire, but I’m sure the country clubs are full of ‘em.
That brings us to the Heene family. A few weeks ago, this Colorado couple made news by telling the sheriff their six-year-old son was adrift in a balloon, although he was actually just hiding in the attic. Apparently, they hoped the heartwarming story of the boy who floated away would make them famous. They had visions of talk shows, reality TV, the cover of People, movie and book offers, maybe even an endorsement deal for kid-friendly GPS devices. But when little Falcon [great name – was this stunt planned from the day he was born?] let it slip that they “did it for the show” the parents became the subject of an investigation instead.
Pesky kids with their truthiness! Seeking to profit from your kids isn’t new, of course. From Wolfie Mozart to Dakota Fanning, there have always been parents with dollar signs in their eyes. America has embraced Osmonds, Jacksons, Olsens, Hansons, Jonas brothers. Cuteness is a big business. For some kids, the window of cuteness is only open for awhile. Remember Jerry Mathers – the Beaver? Have you seen him as a grownup? Wow. There are other risks involved, too. Sometimes child stars turn out okay, but often they don’t. For every Shirley Temple who becomes an ambassador to England, there’s a Danny Bonaduce (The Partridge Family) who ends up kick-boxing in converted garages, a washed-up-at-20 Brittney Spears or a strung-out Lindsey Lohan, leading the paparrazzi on a trail of self-destruction. “But hey,” their parents tell them. “It’s a risk I’m willing for you to take.” After they grow up – if they grow up – they go into therapy, write tell-all books and hit the talk shows. But that’s a small price to pay, I suppose, if the parents are able to live out their lives in comfort, on whatever funds the kids and the lawyers don’t get. Not all parents are pushy. Some back into wealth just by letting the kids run and play. Athletes who sign big pro contracts always buy Mom a house with their bonus money. And then there are those who just encourage their kids to hit the books and go to college. They profit, sort of, when the kids get jobs and start paying into Social Security, supporting them in those golden years. At least they don’t have to worry that the kids will let the truth slip out in an unguarded moment with Wolf Blitzer or Oprah. It’s crazy, but I hear there are some parents who never tap this valuable resource. They just keep all that cuteness to themselves. They hold their kids on their laps and read to them, play in the dirt with them, splash in the pool with them, get them puppies and chase them on the grass and cuddle them to sleep in front of the TV. They take pictures and – what a waste! – just email them to Grandma. They laugh with them and don’t even put it on U-Tube. Seriously, where’s the profit in that? Those parents’ bank accounts will never be what they might’ve been, even if family holidays are less tense. When six-year-old Jerry Mathers walked into his audition for the role of Beaver Cleaver, he told the producers he would rather be at his Cub Scout meeting. I wonder if his parents ever wished they had just let him go? They could probably have gotten in on the ground floor with chinchillas... Bob Buckel is publisher of the Azle News. |
